Abuse

Kate always got on better with her Dad than her Mum, but he died when she was eleven, and it was difficult between Mum and Kate afterwards. Kate has battled depression since she was eight years old: she remembers that she was withdrawn, lonely and sad. This was because of the abuse which she experienced from somewhere between 5 and 8 different men from the ages of five and twelve. In fact, it was after she told her Mum and Dad about the sexual abuse that her Dad had his heart attack. It made Kate feel as though she had caused it to happen. After all, she was only a kid, and kids often think in that sort of way. She struggled at school, but managed to ‘slip through’. At twenty-three she married, had a baby girl and then a baby boy, but separated when her little boy was four, because she was experiencing abuse all over again in her marriage- this time in the form of emotional abuse. When it first started, it made Kate feel angry, scared, guilty and self-blaming. These feelings ‘pushed her into a corner in life’. She still feelings sometimes, all these years later. There have been times when she has experienced really scary rage. At other times, Kate feels nothing at all: the abuse had taught her how to push feelings away. It meant that raising her kids as a single Mum held special challenges for her. She had experienced post-natal depression after the birth of both her children, but this was never treated. It made feeling close to them difficult, and this then made Kate feel like a bad mother. She couldn’t even touch her children sometimes. She would look back and feel like a failure, feel like life was punishing her. It was very difficult to let go of the long-held shame, especially the most awful shame which was bout the fact that she had a memory of her body being aroused during the abuse she had experienced, even though it was also terrifying. For years, Kate had felt ashamed and guilty about this. It is still a challenge to realise that our bodies sometimes respond to things despite our selves- like try to peel an onion without feeling tears.

 

However, Kate had a determination to keep on top of things and not let herself go under, despite feeling suicidal from time to time. She learnt things about herself- that keeping busy doing things that help others made a difference, as well as things like friendships, taking bits of space for herself to be a bit of a kid and have some fun, and talking through some difficult things whilst taking control of when an with whom.

 

She also found courage to talk to her son about the fact that she had been abused as a child: she explained to him that this might help to explain some of the way she acted at times. At one point, when she was making these changes, Kate’s daughter said to her friend; “It’s good that Mum’s opening up!” It seemed to start happening that while things around her were getting worse, at least some of the time, Kate was able to “hold still” and not lose control. ..even her sugar levels would remain stable sometimes, when before they would have gone out of control (Kate struggles with diabetes). Kate began to take a stand in relation to her kids becoming more independent- doing their own washing, making their own beds. She became proud of maintaining this stand- it was good for her and for the kids! It was as if Kate was re-claiming her authority as a parent. Even things with her ex- husband were better… he would sometimes help her with gardening, drive her places, and help her with ‘patrolling’ her 18 year old daughter’s birthday party. They even took the kids for two days’ holiday to the beach together!

 

Kate continues to have trouble believing sometimes tat she is not a ‘fruit cake’. But she has learnt a lot about what sexual and physical abuse can do to a person, and how the effects of it can seep into the next generation. But she has also discovered that sometimes apparently little things can begin to make a huge difference….recently her daughter hugged her for the first time that Kate can remember for 8 years!! And the best thing was that Kate responded warmly and spontaneously, without even thinking about it. This challenged the idea she had held for years that she could never be physically close to her daughter. Some time later, she even asked her daughter for a hug!! This hasn’t changed everything between them magically- Kate has become very aware that her ‘barriers’ can go up, especially if someone puts her down and makes her feel like a bad mother again… this is her ongoing vulnerability. But being aware of the barriers now means that she has a little more choice; she can keep it up, or sometimes risk letting it down again!

 

Kate will continue to battle things like anxiety and depression, but she also knows more about how to keep them in their place. A long time ago, her son nominated some things about his Mum that even she couldn’t see then….like the fact that she is honest, that she tries new things, that she is loving, that she cares for other people, and that she forgives people when they make mistakes. Maybe she is beginning to see them now…!

 

 

It is about 11 o’clock and I am sitting with a cup of tea and a Woody Guthrie song on repeat, nursing my puffy eyes. I’m trying to warm up and fill in the shocked silence of the empty house since I stopped crying. It’s ironic that this little crisis has happened the night after talking about “living with gratitude”.

 

Ten minutes ago I knew that I had no real friends, that I was unlikeable and worthless, and all that remained was to decide upon the most suitable course of self-destruction. Having listed all of the friends I could think of (not just mentally but literally!) I discounted anyone not my own age. I discounted anyone whose spiritual beliefs were too different from my own. Lastly, I discounted those I felt had little in common with me (basically short-hand for anyone left on the list). Of course, by the time I’d finished I was completely alone. You’d think I would have worked out, after 10 years of fighting depression and the distorted thinking it produces, that by the time I was tallying up mathematically the amount of love in my life, I am already way off track. Even the longest list of names in pen on paper is not very good company, and anyway, lists tend to be written with the purposes of elimination in mind. The truth is that there is not one person on this planet who can afford NOT to take the love they need where they find it..

 

 

Living with gratitude means allowing yourself to be warmed by the love that “doesn’t count”. “Why would any love not count? It’s the stuff we live and thrive on. It seems to me no coincidence that refusing love in my life occurs parallel with self-harm; it’s like a plant refusing the nourishment of the soil, of the water and the sunshine- to convince yourself that the love offered to you doesn’t count is tantamount to suicide. And it’s not just bare subsistence that you’re passing up but warmth, joy; life of the soul. Accepting the love that is there for you is like finding within a long winter one moment of glorying intense sunshine- a moment that is in reality eternal, because you only have to choose to step into it from the bleakness outside whenever you need to; whenever you can. Sometimes when people preach contentment with what we have and what we are here and now, we imagine that this contentment is like an act of supreme disappointment, of fooling ourselves that winter is what we really want. Really it means making yourself a cup of tea, putting Woody Guthrie on the CD player(!), sitting under the most golden light in the house, and learning that winter will never be able to get through the door, or that it never really ever existed in the first place. But sometimes you need the tears and the shock and the cold before you think to put the kettle on, and before the universe can see you shaking and put its arm around your shoulder, and count itself your friend.

 

 

 

My feelings began with neglect from my mother, who didn’t know that she let her daughter, as a young child, go into something so horrible, that I will never forget. I saw and heard things done that no human could imagine. I made cries for my mother that still hurt me.

 

I was a victim of child sexual abuse. I remember, will always remember that hand- Shar was another victim, we’re connected by hand.

 

My mother, poor thing, didn’t know what her child has suffered. She is not a fool, she just thought of her feelings first. I remember the echoes of our cries and the images of the man could ever do. Those images are strong.

 

My life was turned around when I re-entered the life of my Mum in the sky. She was my Mum by the sky. She was granted to me by my wish in the sky of the stars, that children who have suffered in all ways from abuse, be safe. She was so warm, safe, had a beautiful nature, and her house smelt so beautiful that I slept like a log and woke up with good power. Her smile when I woke was so welcoming that I nearly cried from the warmth and the hope for my future. She opened the door of new paths for me. She believes in me and I believe in her with all my heart. She will always be my mother in the sky. We were meant to be friends and cross paths and grow together. I love her dearly and even my mother respects her. My mother was happy to meet her when I was ready to introduce her.

 

People can be cruel but those who are will be punished these high forces one day. And for those who are not cruel to children, they will live forever. Let us wait and see!

 

I will be there with Lynnie on my side and joining forces, will protect the stars that children wish to, for the abuse to stop.

The children will be answered by me one day – and I will be their Mum in the Sky.