Acquired Brain Injury

My husband, Jack decided to re pursue an interest in motorbikes after a lapse of many decades. He had scrabbled bikes in his hey day.

 

One beautiful summer day, our peaceful farm was disturbed when Jack was riding back to our picnic spot on his bike. My three children and I saw my husband and his bike launch into the air like a catapult and land on the ground. I ran to him with my baby in my arms fearing that he was dead. I knew that he had to have been hurt- no one could survive that kind of launch, unscathed. That event will be imprinted in my life forever and has significantly impacted on our lives. My husband is alive but he is brain damaged, he has an acquired brain injury. It has been such a great tragedy.

 

I have had to follow my gut instincts. I have had to hang in there and believe in myself. Mostly, getting practical help sorted out has been important. Communication with professionals, educating people about ABI while learning more about it myself. I have accessed support systems to reduce stress and pressure., to learn about ABI, about suicidality, about carer's stress. I have had to make sure I can allow time to spend with my family. I have learned to ask questions and keep asking questions. Look , ask , listen, learn until you know. Nobody else knows what your situation is, they just think they do. I now avoid "small brains and long tongues"-I have no time for them anyway. I have to keep going.

 

Yes life is tough. Tragic things happen. I see events as challenges and try to negotiate and overcome them, try to anticipate. It has also meant learning to let go. This I have done, to plan and protect myself, my children my future. I try to stay positive. I know that life will never be the same again. I aim for a win/win situation. I try to find a way that this tragedy will enrich all in the long term. I try to look at the big picture, sit back and view the short term as well as medium and long term.

 

To others that might find themselves in a similar situation, keep knocking on doors, don't bang your head on the brick wall, but even bricks can be moved in time. Take time out for yourself, learn stress management, learn to go into neutral when dealing with a crisis. Watch and learn. Keep up with your children in their different ages and stages to help them move through the trauma and struggles.

 

Be aware that ABI's network of friends will change-so be ready to have to LET GO of many different things and people.

 

Accident: a misfortune or mishap, especially one causing injury or death…

However it wasn’t quite that simple in my case. For me, the ‘accident’ resulted in my parents’ divorce and an ongoing battle for a normal life.

 

The period of time between the accident and the divorce was equal to, if not more traumatic than, the time succeeding the divorce. ‘Family’ life comprised of years of both physical and emotional abuse. The accident affected three children and both parents and commenced in December 1986.

 

The weekend before my younger sister’s fourth birthday, my mother was involved in a severe road accident. A semi-trailer ploughed directly into the driver’s side of the door of the van she was driving. The accident resulted in 6 1/2 weeks of a coma, what’s now called a brain injury, 5 1/2 months of hospitalisation, intensive physiotherapy and a lifetime of change for five people.

 

My father and my older brother did not handle the accident very well. My brother didn’t even visit Mom in hospital.

 

The resulting divorce came after four years of compromise from all parties involved. Dad needed help looking after us kids so my Aunt and Uncle moved on with us. Even though Dad knew he needed the help he resented being dependent on others. After 6 years my brother, at the age of 16, moved out. He was unable to cope with the immense change, not only in Mom but in the whole family situation. My brother’s attitude to the change made Dad very angry and I think because my brother was the eldest, Dad thought it was alright to take his anger out on him, both physically, verbally and emotionally.

 

I was the middle child, which made me next in line. My brother had learned that abuse was alright, even acceptable, so I became his point of release. I’ve tried hard to control my anger around my sister, although it has been difficult. I have never hit her. I have only recently been able to admit that what dad and my brother did was wrong- and that it was NOT my fault.

 

For ten years I have blamed myself for everything that has happened since the accident- everything has to be someone’s fault……right?I think blame has been a big issue for my family since the accident. A lot of the bad feelings between families, as in my experience, comes from everybody blaming each other for things that cannot be controlled. I must admit though, learning not to blame is very difficult.

 

My relationship with Mom has suffered severely as a result of the blame I placed on her for having the accident, which started the whole snowball effect. Dad left because she ‘changed’. The last thing he said to her before he left was, ‘you’ve changed too much, I can’t live with you anymore.’

 

My brother and I blame each other for a lot of things. My low self-esteem and low self-confidence are partly a result of his emotional abuse. I think he was jealous of the relationship between Dad and I and for this reason he put me down constantly.

I was either ‘dumb’ or ‘ugly’. When you are told things like that all of your life you start to believe them.

 

Most of all I blame myself for not being able to handle everything. I know I shouldn’t but I still believe that I must have done something wrong to deserve this kind of punishment.

 

It’s been six years since I have spoken to Dad- longer since I have spoken to the rest of his family. Dad’s sister has since had a son whom I have never met. Dad now lives somewhere else. He bought a caravan park with his new fiance and her two daughters. I have just contacted him for the first time and that is causing all the old scars to resurface.

 

I have had an ‘on again, off again’ type of relationship with my brother. At the moment he lives in my suburb with his girlfriend. We don’t speak very often.

 

I left home late January and since then my relationship with Mom and my sister has entered a new phase, a good phase I hope.

 

I tried to hurt myself when Dad left. I thought if I wasn’t around then no one could hurt me anymore. It’s a little different now. I still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes, but now my boyfriend’s there to console me. Having someone to love ME is invaluable. But my experiences make it hard to trust my boyfriend. Sometimes I think he’ll leave too. I’m learning not to talk about my feelings and to trust the people who care about me, but it’s a slow process.

 

Things are still changing, the pain will probably never cease entirely. Ten years later and it still affects my life. A simple mishap or misfortune, resulting in an injury. Believe me it does not stop there.

 

 It got worse before it got better! But now I have a beautiful daughter, Amy, age 3 and a loving partner. I talk to my mum everyday (pathetic, I know). My sister and I take turns to call each other almost every week and my brother drops by whenever he gets a break from work. I spent the holidays with Dad and we are having somewhat of a family Christmas this year.

 

It still hurts to think about things too much and don’t get me wrong it will never be perfect but whose life is? Things get better, situations change. All I can say is hang in there for as long as it takes and stay open to new possibilities.

 

I remember looking in the mirror that night and thinking "Well you look as good as you can look. Great eyes!" Age 22.

 

BANG BANG BANG

I remember bits of the accident. I still see the car. When I woke up, I woke up a different person. It wasn't just the way I looked. That was hard enough. It was something inside. The pain was unbearable.

For years and years and years I asked my mum if I was insane or just mental. Did I have something wrong inside my head? Did the doctors say to anybody that my head had been damaged on the inside. Spinal injuries, loss of one eye, massive facial injuries. I didn't realise until after how close I came to losing my freedom.

 

Here I am at the hospital again. Another sad attempt on my sanity and life. This time I am locked up with people with mental illnesses. Here, in the psychiatric hospital, I was diagnosed with acquired brain injury (ABI)-15 years after my accident. I was shocked and relieved. Finally, after all these years of just thinking I was just mental. Finally they could tell me why! My mother to this day blames herself for my ABI not being diagnosed. My teenage daughter finds it hard to understand my ABI. She says I am just a psycho. My husband left me and my youngest daughter was six years old at the time. He could not live with the fact that I had ABI. He preferred to think of me as a bit mad. I look at 1997 as my year of hard knocks. I needed help and thanks to some wonderful organisations that exist to help us (all of us with ABI) I got the help and support that I needed.

 

Life now for us is completely different. I am off all medication at last and I have started to discover that although I have an ABI I can do so much to help myself. A big one still for me is to try not to act on my impulses. My youngest daughter and I have a good relationship and we find it easy to be together. To me this is a very new thing.

We were lucky enough to be involved in a program called Journeys. It gave us a chance to meet and get to know other ABI sufferers and their families. I learnt a lot by hearing and seeing that I wasn't the only one who had problems keeping and maintaining a relationship with anyone.

 

Each day is a little less painful as I learn to use strategies to get through the day. I try and stay busy. I have even started to do a bit of voluntary work in an office. Luckily the other girls who work there have endless patience and when I make a mistake I ask for help. I would never have asked before. I would have sat there until somebody noticed and then I would have been too embarrassed and probably never gone back.

 

ABI doesn't mean idiocy, stupidity or that the sufferers need to be treated like children. I believe that we all remember WHO we were before ABI and WHAT we were before ABI. ABI may have robbed us of the best years of life but we survived.

 

For me I would also like to think that although life instantly changes, take time to get to know the new person and try not to confuse old and new. Fifteen years I spent trying to be the "me" I grew up with. Now I realise she is gone and now I can survive.

 

ABI affects every facet of your own and family's life for ever- in a million huge and little ways.