Fathers

I am going to begin telling the story of my family’s therapy at Bouverie from my perspective; because I can’t describe the feelings of the rest of my family leading up to our first session, and also because I think it might prove helpful to other people who have been perpetrators of some kind of abuse or neglect, who are racked with guilt and shame the way that I used to be.

 

I have heard it said that sometimes one area of our lives which is causing us a lot of emotional pain can be likened to toothache. Just as a tooth is only one small part of our body, this painful area may be really very small; the rest of our life may be characterised by good health, or even healing and growth; but if the pain is severe, we can end up feeling like one giant tooth!! Our whole life is toothache. This is how I felt about my family before our time at Bouverie.

 

Having suffered a mental illness for several years, by the time our family was approaching the therapy I had done a lot of healing. I had joined a support group for people suffering mental and emotional problems early in my illness and had learnt a lot about myself and what would be required of me if I were to get well. Having done that learning, I had then put in a lot of hard work to change my thinking and my behaviour for the better, and I had co-operated with a fabulous doctor and been compliant in taking a new type of medication which suited me very well and did wonders for my health. 

 

But my family was still broken. Having allowed a pattern of violence towards my family to go on for quite a long time, I had completely destroyed their trust in me. They were cynical about the possibility that I could change, or that our situation could change. (And actually, so was I). Two to three years of separation from my siblings went by; of not even seeing one another for Christmas, Easter or birthdays. This was incredibly painful for both me and them. On top of this, I was racked with guilt over the physical abuse I had perpetrated against my brothers, my sister and my Mum. 

 

I remember in the few weeks leading up to our first session, going for a walk along a path in the bush. I began the walk feeling depressed and despairing; halfway through, I could no longer keep my composure and began to cry. I remember feeling absolute terror, that I wasn’t safe. I feared, strangely, that something would happen to me if I couldn’t get back to the car and then to make a phone call to talk to someone. It was as though I thought I would spontaneously combust. I hated myself, and I was terrified of the rejection I would face when confronted by my family. 

 

I can remember for a couple of years going to the movies, or watching TV, or reading books, and finding that the only people who did anything seriously wrong were the baddies; people who it was right to kill and punish and exclude and hate. The feelings of the baddie were never expressed. No one really tried to understand them. Going into the therapy at Bouverie, I knew all too well that what I had done to my family had been wrong. I considered what I had done to them to be the very lowest and most painful point of my life. Every time it happened I would promise myself I would never hurt them again. Then, like a nightmare, the whole thing would recur. A few times I tried to kill myself after the violence, or I self-harmed. I carried so much shame around with me, and feared terribly that because of it, no one could ever really love me.

 

Of course, the pain of my family was at least as important. Wrapped up as I was in my “toothache” then, I didn’t understand that their anger towards me had never stopped them from loving me. It would have been easier for them if it had. Instead, they were caught in the bind of on one hand wanting to stay away from me, and feeling incredibly angry at me; and on the other hand, feeling guilty because of that anger. Knowing that I was not well, and yet not feeling able to connect with me.

 

So everyone came to the therapy at Bouverie with a lot of mixed up emotions! With much hurt, and anger, and a lot of misunderstanding. With a lot of communicating to get done. It was so important to us that from the very start, the sessions were made to be a safe place for all concerned. We were asked at the beginning what it would take for us to feel safe within that space and time. Without that, no-one would ever have really opened up.

 

Then, we did a lot of talking. Well, actually, we mostly seemed to write things down, as that was something that kept the emotions a bit more contained, and didn’t really leave room for anyone to fly off the handle. My family hadn’t realised how much changing I had done, and it was important to them that I was now able to sit and listen to what their experience of my illness and the violence had been. In turn, as I was able to do that for them, I gained a sense of pride. 

 

One of the effects of my being unwell was that many members of my family had felt unheard; I had received a lot of help, and a lot of people were being paid or compelled by sympathy to listen to my story, but the stories of my family were not receiving due attention. Bouverie helped to right that imbalance. Had I not done the growing through my support group prior to this, I don’t think it would have worked as well. But also, I had misunderstood my family. I had read anger as hatred and rejection, and it was very moving for me to hear about the concern - specifically of my sister, whose anger I felt most intensely - for my health that they had felt when I was at my most unwell. I realised that my family were effected by me, and that they would not have been effected if they didn’t care. 

 

But then, having heard the effect that my self-harming and suicidal behaviour had had on them, (on top of the actual violence) it fell to me to apologise, because the fact that I had disregarded my own wellbeing in the context of depression and delusional thinking should never have made me feel justified in disregarding theirs. 

 

In the course of the therapy, there were a lot of tears. There were occasions of telling the untellable, of expressing thoughts and feelings and wishes we thought would break us even further as a family. But always we were safe. There were moments when one or other of us decided it was too hard, or too risky, and it wasn’t worth it. But I know none of us would undo all that work now. In the end, what we communicated to each other just by being there, and then even more by participating with honesty and courage in the process, was that we cared enough about each other for it to hurt along the way. I’ve since heard someone say, “The only way out of pain is through it.” That has certainly been my experience with family therapy.

 

 At the time, a friend repeatedly told me not to go through with it. He told me that it would take forever, that it would be messy, and that I was better off without my family anyway (he said this because he had had a split with his family and he believed he was better off without his family). My experience was that healing happened in our sessions remarkably quickly, though not without work. And I would not for the world exchange the relationship I have with my family now for the one I once did, or for the one my friend has with his.

 

A real breakthrough happened for me as an individual through Bouverie as well. At a crucial point in our therapy, my Mum read out an account she had written of a fight that she and I had had. On this occasion I had not been actually violent, but I had been verbally abusive, and Mum had been fearful for her physical safety. For the most part, while Mum read this account aloud, I cried a lot. Then, when she was nearly at the end, she read out to me that there came a moment when she had actually prayed that I would die. When this part was read, I stopped crying. Our therapist, Cate, asked me why this was. I said I wasn’t sure. She asked me how I felt, and I replied that I couldn’t feel anything. Then she asked me what I would be doing at that moment if I had been at home on my home.  I told her honestly that I would probably be getting ready to cut myself. At that time, although I hadn’t done it for quite a while, I was in the habit of cutting myself whenever anything went very badly wrong, or I was full of shame or hated myself, and it was a habit that had been with me for seven or eight years. In fact, it had become so commonplace for me to self-harm during specific periods that I would sometimes do it for very trivial reasons. Cate asked me if I would like to do things differently this time, to learn how to respond in a different way, and I said I would. So I agreed to stay there and talk about things until my feelings came back and I was able to cry, and in the end I went home about two hours later. It had been a session that lasted more than three hours all up. I learned how important it is to have the courage to go through painful feelings; that all I needed to do was sit with the pain and trust that it wouldn’t be with me forever. I had actually experienced the truth in the claim that the only way out of pain is through it. It was literally a life-changing moment for me.

 

Also along the way I came to learn about the cycle of shame that I had been trapped in for a long time, and which had been helping to perpetuate my violence against my family. Because I felt ashamed of myself, I would shy away from expressing my feelings, particularly feelings of anger. Because of this they would get bottled up, and when this happened I did not have sufficient pride in myself to put too much effort into controlling them as I should have. I would lash out and express anger through violence. Then, as a result, I would feel even more shame and self-loathing, and so it went on. In the time since learning about this at Bouverie I’ve never again become violent. I believe that this is mostly because of the learning I did and the renewed sense of pride I gained as a result of doing the work of family therapy.

 

An important day for me was the first time our family got together outside of Bouverie. We had had our final session, made all our resolutions for the way we would relate to one another in the future, and the specific contributions each of us could make in order to keep the family on track (including drawing on the resources at Bouverie again if it was ever required), and one of our decisions was that we would try to meet as a family once a month for no reason other than to be together. The very first time we met like this was on a Sunday, for lunch. I had had a big night the night before, and slept in, waking up at the time I was supposed to be arriving at the restaurant. I rang my Dad on his mobile absolutely distraught, and raced into town at a million miles an hour, all the way there thinking that I had undone all of our hard work; that the family would think I didn’t care about them enough to show up on time, and that I’d never be forgiven. When I got there, everyone was so gracious and unflustered, urging me to settle down and have a drink and not worry so much. I’ve never been more grateful! Over the next few times we met, my family were so understanding about my particular needs: I always wanted to drive my own car to wherever we met so that if I felt out of my depth or scared I could make my own way home whenever I needed to, and everyone was happy to accommodate this. I like to think that as a family we have grown capable of being mindful of each individual’s needs, and of expressing to one another not only our own needs, but also those of other family members who might be more reticent in expressing them themselves.

 

Obviously there will be more to tell about our time at Bouverie from the point of view of others in my family, but I can only tell our story the way I have witnessed it. In the time since Bouverie I have absolutely loved having the chance to become friends with my Mum, to spend time chatting with my sister again, and to get to know my Dad a little bit better, and it is so lovely to have brothers again, with their laid back sense of humour and special knack for hanging shit on their big sister! I want to finish by thanking them all from the bottom of my heart for doing the hard work which has allowed us to be a whole family again. When I think back, I don’t think it is an exaggeration to say that our therapy at Bouverie has been one of the most powerful and - miraculous! - experiences I’ve ever had, and also probably one of the things I’ve done in my life that I am most proud of. I would also like to thank Cate, even though she asked me to focus on what the family has done; because we could never have done it on our own. I’m sure that every member of my family would urge anyone with doubts about family therapy to give it their best shot, and to prepare to be pleasantly surprised by exactly how rewarding and healing it will prove to be.

 

 

Let me introduce you to S H (Sad Huss). When he gets going he has a life of his own; he uses all sorts of negative things that he notices to persuade Ross that he is not as good as others; he is really good at these comparing practices. Into Ross’ ear he might whisper: “ hey Ross, how come that guy doesn’t have to work so hard as you?….what have you done to deserve this Ross?…how come he’s driving a new van and you have a crap old one?…how come that bloke has a grouse house?….when is it going to change, Ross?…how come you can’t get a loan like that….and so it goes on. Ross used to be totally captivated by SH and his operations.

 

After all it had been easy for SH to tyrannise Ross’s mind; Ross’s dad used to do a lot of comparing when Ross was a kid,( Ross was a football club kid); his dad would always be talking about the sportsmen, the legends that were around; he’d always be talking about other people and champion this bloke or that. Ross never heard anything coming from his dad about himself. So, indeed, Ross would have been a pretty easy target for Sad Huss.

 

The reason SH had such a hold is that he knew Ross back to front; he knew when the best moments were to attack- e.g. when Ross is tired or exhausted or hungry.

 

For years SH had convinced Ross that he was stupid and so of course Ross believed whenever he had difficulty with anything that it was because he just couldn’t do it. This continued until he met someone who cared about him: Peter. When he would say in front of Peter; “what’s wrong with me, I am stupid”, Peter would retort: “have a go, you have to have a go then you will know what to do”. He kept constantly on like this, believing Ross could do it. And sure enough, because Peter believed he could do it, Ross tried and he could do it. Peter believed Ross could be better and therefore he could! And as Peter’s voice got louder, SH’s voice in Ross head – the voice that said, “ you can’t do it; you are stupid” - got softer.

 

 

Recently SH tried to have a real good go at Ross, but something shocking happened! One day when Ross was taking a moment out of work and was sitting all alone in a park, SH started whispering into his ears; it started out as a little rustling, which sounded almost like the wind in the trees, but soon it became very loud. It was really difficult for Ross to ignore the whisperings and pick himself up; the message became clearer, louder: “ you know you missed out on having a real dad, if only your dad had done this …if only your dad had done that….how come you didn’t get a dad who cared…”!!! But all of a sudden Ross came to his senses, and he could hear the voice for what it was; he could recognise the evil voice of S H and he screamed: “ Stop it….halt!!!!!

 

In fact Ross remembered the HALTS, a sign he has on his fridge (H is for Hungry; A is for Angry; L is for lonely; T is for Tired; S is for Stressed), to remind him of when he can be vulnerable to SH and also to abusing alcohol and drugs. At any of these moments Ross knows he is vulnerable to giving in to SH’s authority.

When Ross engages in ‘HALTING’- he is able to say to SH: “that’s not real; that’s not right; it’s false; it doesn’t exist”.

 

In this way the false information from SH cannot take over Ross’s preferred way to be. Ross can see the bullshit now and the more he says ‘no’ to SH and others he has said ‘yes’ to when he really wanted to say ‘no’, the more he feels whole and knows who he is, and that he is ok and alright, then and there! Whereas before he would give in to bosses and others who wanted him to stay back and do extra work because SH convinced him if he didn’t they wouldn’t ask him to work for them anymore or they would think he was a ‘prick’ or not a good electrician. Now, because Ross is in tune with what he really wants, he can say, “that’s your job, I am going to my family”; now he knows why he wants to say no: he can’t give to his family unless he is true to himself first.

 

There isn’t an area in Ross’ life that SH hasn’t tried to control. He has even tried to come between him and his wife, Kate. SH would try and succeed to get Ross to believe that she didn’t love Ross, didn’t care for him, that she was a ‘selfish bitch’, that she was using him. SH would get Ross to interpret Kate’s reasonable requests as demands and criticisms. SH would get Ross to assume that the reason Kate was not helping Ross, when he was exhausted, was because she was nasty and selfish. The reality was that SH had not been able to get into Kate’s head to get her to go about doing things for others against her own wishes and desires. And now that Ross has come to his senses he realises that instead of listening to SH, he can listen to his wife and follow her example of connecting to herself rather than to the ‘shoulds’: you should do everything that others want etc… Now Ross is able to say to Kate, that when he is starting to let SH in and lose himself, in other words, when he is starting to have a go, he really needs Kate to give him a cuddle and say she loves him.

 

How Ross overthrew SH’s involvement with the kids…

 

There’s cuddling every night now before bed a big contrast to the yelling matches that were happening every night as SH convinced Ross that screaming, yelling and knocking chairs over would really get kids to bed. Ross would be exhausted, the children wouldn’t sleep and Kate would be downstairs angry and frustrated; upset and fearful of what might happen to the kids and how they might end up hating Ross.

 

There’s a story that has reminded Ross and Kate of the power of childhood hurts to leave wounds:

 

 A father says to his little boy: “every time you lose your temper I want you to bang a nail into the fence”. For months the kid spent time banging nails into the fence. Eventually he got the better of the temper and six months had gone by and he says to his father, “Dad, I haven’t banged a nail in the fence for six months”. “Well”, said the boy’s father, “now you go back and pull out a nail for every time you keep your temper instead of losing it”. The boy did this, and when he was finished he went to his Dad and said, “Dad, look at all the holes”. “That’s right” said the father, “every time you yell you leave a wound”.

 

Recently, Ross and his little boy, Jacob (7) were about to have their evening ritual of cuddles when Ross noticed that something was bothering Jacob. He asked Jacob what was up (this was the first anti- SH action) and Jacob said, starting to become tearful and whiny, “Everyone thinks I am a sore loser”. For a moment Ross could have let SH grab his thinking and take him back to the same reaction his father had with him: “for god’s sake why don’t you just belt them, why don’t you stand up for yourself?” And little Ross always wondered how he could do this, he had never wanted to be e a violent person; he just wanted everyone to have fun and be happy, so how could he take his Dad’s advice? This time as Ross looked at Jacob, he saw an opportunity to steer his life in a different direction than the one his father had taken and wanted to build his son’s self esteem instead. He reflected on what he wished his father would have done and did this with Jacob: He got Jacob to concentrate on the things he can do, like sports, and english, rather than the things he can’t. He got Jacob to tell him the things he can do and list these. And do you know what? Jacob went to sleep that night like a baby.

And now, sometimes, when one of the kids might say, “ I am stupid”, Kate and Ross, will jump in with, “you’re not stupid, you are just making bad choices!” They are determined to kill the monster while it is little!

 

In conclustion here are some Anti SH tactics, you might want to try yourself:

 

 

Now SH is saying, ‘don’t you need me anymore, what happened to those days when we used to throw shit together and smash things- didn’t we have fun? Didn’t you feel more powerful and feel all that rage through your veins?”

 

Ross has finally found the magic pill- he has seen that the name of the game is to learn to manage the feelings; that an SH attack is a cry for love. Instead of going out to the shed and smoking dope, Ross has decided to build a relationship with his wife.

She can have faith in herself. If she thinks something is right, she can believe it and not believe she is nuts. She can know that she does know what she is doing. And her kids can look forward to saying to their mum as Kate said to hers, “your road was important Mum, what you have done is important. Your mistakes are good for me”.

 

She has realised that she, herself, would not be achieving her goal of being the best mum, if she had not gone through all her own trials. It’s like when you ask for something e.g. to be a great parent; the universe then sends down a job description with everything you will need to learn to do in order to achieve this goal. It’s like it is saying, “ I’ll show you what a good mum is: you have to go through this!”